Tim's Comedy Blog

KFC's 'Double Down' sandwich – Double Death?

2010-04-20T23:36:00.000-07:00

Is a doubly strong wave of heart attacks about to stab America? Are we begging for a bigger health crisis than the one we already suffer from?

As if we weren't already drowning in cholesterol, KFC has created a Double Death sandwich, the Double Down. One reviewer posts on CNN.com about the heart attack special:

...as I tore through the brown bag and popped the cardboard lid, I wondered would I spontaneously combust?

Or call it the Double Drown; it'll drown your heart in cholesterol and fat.

I rode through a KFC/Taco Bell and told the cashier it was "the most cholesterol-bloated blob of hooey I've ever heard of." It contains 540 calories, 32 grams of fat and 1380 milligrams of sodium, according to the CNN.com review.

Even the manager laughed, although they tried to sell me one: "It's delicious." (I then ordered a vegetable-filled chicken Gordita.)

I'll bet it is. So are bacon and greasy fries. Hey--why not pack a pound of bacon in a lard-soaked pocket of potatoes and call it the Potato Pig Pocket?

What's with the fast food companies? Shouldn't our government impose fat and cholesterol limits on them, much as the auto companies must meet a fleet average of ever-lower miles per gallon on vehicles?

Why not? Global bloating should be listed as a human health hazard as dangerous as global warming.

It would be so easy to lighten the sodium, reduce the fat, add essential fiber and vitamins to most of these death-dealing fast foods. So why are these companies so utterly blind to the health of their patrons?

Shockingly, the Double Down is not the worst health hazard in fast food: Wendy's Bacinator offers a lardy 980 calories, 62 grams of fat and 2020 milligrams of sodium; McDonald's Big Mac boasts 590 calories, 34 grams of fat and 1010 milligrams of sodium. Gag me with a greasy gooey spoon!

I've actually stuffed both of these greedily down, forgoing fries and ordering a cup of water to--how cliche!--reduce the calories. Good thing it only happened twice. Otherwise I'd have to put on stretch pants,

Huffington Post writes it up here.

Ah well. As one friend notes, "All things in moderation--including health." I'll drink a melted butterball to that.

Question the cliche

2010-04-20T22:50:00.000-07:00

Billions of people use the question mark. So isn't it a cliche???

More Dove Anti-Promises...

2009-04-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

Dove Promises are morsels of wisdom printed on a candy wrapper that make you feel good. Especially if you're a woman with PMS. Try my Dove Anti-Promises page for more chocolate relief.

Oops, that came out wrong--Whoah! I can't seem to get this one right!

Moving on...
---

Yes, you deserve a good screw. So find a handyman.

Go ahead, hit him--he deserves it.

Sharpen your teeth before bed. You'll sleep better.

Husbands really are overrated. Cut his brake lines.

Your boss is a bitch. So pee in her coffee.

You only live once--go screw the hot young landscaper.

Of course you deserve it. You have PMS now. Yes, you deserve it goddammit! GODDAMMMITTT!!!!

So what if you're on the rag--make him enjoy it.

Go ahead. Race your girlfriend to the bottom of the popcorn bag.

Bush popularity falling...still!

2009-04-10T10:42:00.000-07:00

George W. Bush's presidency was probably the least popular of recent US Presidents--especially in his second term. Most people know that, in his last two years, his popularity fell to historic lows.

According to Wikipedia's entry on Bush,

Throughout 2007, Bush's approval rating hovered in the mid-thirties percentile,although in a Reuters poll of October 17, 2007, Bush received a lower approval rating of 24%,the lowest point of his presidency.

Photo: http://politicalhumor.about.com/

Some new statistics might surprise you:

Of the 37 people who approved of Bush in his last 2 months in office, over 91% believe he is still President.
666% of those believe Bush is the Second Coming of Christ (although his rejection of the Kyoto Protocol, the global ecology initiative, is generally seen as evidence to the contrary).
100% of those approving and disapproving of Bush know that he does not, and never will, understand the Kyoto Protocol.
Fully 77% of the 37 people above have heard Bush call the Kyoto Protocol "that damn karate move they keep askin' me about."
Of the 330.2892 million who disapproved of Bush in his last 2 months, 98% believe he never was President.

The reasons for this surprising split are complex:

Of the above 330.2892 million, 89% think Bush lost to Al Gore in the 2000 election because the vote was stolen by his brother, then-Governor Jeb Bush of Florida.
Of the 37 people who approved of Bush, over 65% are retarded.
The remaining 35% of Bush approvers are Bush's relatives.
Over 96% of Bush's relatives remain in the group of 330.2892 million who disapproved of Bush.

Historians gave Bush worse ratings than the general public, according to Wikipedia:

In 2006, 744 professional historians surveyed by Siena College regarded Bush's presidency as follows: Great: 2%; Near Great: 5%; Average: 11%; Below Average: 24%; Failure: 58%.Thomas Kelly, professor emeritus of American studies at Siena College, said that "In this case, current public opinion polls actually seem to cut the President more slack than the experts do." Similar outcomes were retrieved by two informal surveys done by the History News Network in 2004 and 2008.

More on this later as the stats roll in and Obama undoes the Bush and Cheney damage...

Photo: http://politicalhumor.about.com/

Glenn Beck: Cheering for sanity to fail on Earth Hour

2009-04-02T00:58:00.000-07:00

Earth Hour doesn’t appeal to Glenn Beck.

No sane or ecologically useful project or program would. He’s nuts, literally.

Beck stars in his own remake of "Idiocracy" as he cheers the failur of Earth Hour at Glenn Beck: Earth Hour = Failure. ("Idiocracy" is the film in which the average IQ on earth has fallen to moron level 50 years in the future.) Beck notes:

… perhaps the final nail in the coffin that Earth day [sic--it's Earth Hour. -- Ed.] was an epic failure even though billions participated, I mean, not that it was a failure...

Point being…what??? I truly have to guess:

He's hoping to create more pollution during Earth Hour? Or...
He wants Earth Hour to fail so that ExxonMobil will gleefully sponsor the new show he's developing--"The Day We Pooped on the Earth--and Made Millions"??

And oh, yes--I always go to Glenn Beck’s “Spotlight on Science” for science information. Why?

His show is "America's number one source for science and science-related items." Hey, it must be true if he said so!
He’s the smartest scientist I know--and the only one to cry on television. Next he'll sing "Tears of a Clown" on his show to complete the "I'm a real show-biz kind of guy" package
He's the member of the Union of A Skeptical Scientist (UASS)--a rival of the Union of Concerned Scientists
He's got a pair of science-nerd glasses. Oops, I forgot--he doesn't read
Maybe he got his training at a "union" hall--not the Union of Concerned Scientists

Miss Universe: "They like, totally stole my blog!"

2009-04-01T09:56:00.000-07:00

The original of reigning Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza's controversial "gushing on Gitmo" blog entry is gone. It vanished from the Miss Universe website, according to the New York Times Lede blog, and been replaced by a dry and official-sounding statement about the visit :

An enthusiastic first-person account by the reigning Miss Universe, Dayana Mendoza, of her visit to the United States naval base and detention facility at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba last week has been removed from her blog, two days after The Lede first reported the March 27 post, and a day after it was reported on by Reuters and The Associated Press and excerpted on Web sites around the world.

The original text of her "Gitmo gush" blog entry is available at the New York Times here.

In response, Dayana Mendoza exclaimed:

Oh my God! They like, totally stole my blog! At least I still have my crown and trophy. If I lost those....Oh my God!

I'm totally holding on to them so I don't looose them!

And like, please dooon't kill me just because I'm beautiful!

Hey missy, come "reign" on my parade anytime you want...but don't write any reviews if you visit my favorite torture camp--my former high school.

--
Photo credit: Gaye Gerard/Getty Images via New York Times Lede blog

Miss Universe: Gitmo is "a loooot of fun"

2009-04-01T08:57:00.000-07:00

With plenty of sports, recreation, leisure and natural beauty, Cuba's the perfect vacation spot...for um, natural beauties. The prisoners of war and their torturers like it too!

Especially at Guantanamo Bay, where W's military contingent there liked to practice "extreme waterboarding"--back in the good ol' days before a humanitarian became President.

From Reuters:

A "relaxing, calm, beautiful place" may not be everyone's description of Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, where the United States holds about 240 prisoners in a detention center that has drawn condemnation from around the world.

But this was the opinion of reigning Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza of Venezuela, who visited the U.S. naval facility in eastern Cuba this month on a trip organized by the United Service Organizations (USO) which supports U.S. troops...

Caracas-born Mendoza, 22, who visited the facility March 20-25 along with Miss USA Crystle Stewart, 27, enthused about her Guantanamo trip as an "incredible experience" in a blog entry posted on the Miss Universe website dated March 27, 2009.

"It was a loooot of fun!," Mendoza wrote, describing how she and Stewart met U.S. military personnel and took rides around the camp, which is encircled by a barbed-wire fenced, minefields and watchtowers. She said they also visited a bar on the base and the "unbelievable" beach there.

"We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how the(y) recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting," she wrote.
"I didn't want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful," she added.

Hey, baby! Bend me over, "stand me up" for hours--and let's play with the little doggies, too! I'll do whatever you want. C'mon -- Gitme at Gitmo!
--
Photo credits: www.reuters.com

Is Glenn Beck crying "OxyMoron"?

2009-04-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

Glenn Beck is a wight-wing wacko we can all worry about. Why? Well, for one he sheds tears on air because, he says, he "loves my country". (Stephen Colbert mocked Beck on The Colbert Report, choking up and saying "I'm sorry. I just love Glenn Beck's sanity. And I fear for it.")

Hunh? Tears, after Darth W and Darth Cheney have already left office? Isn't that too little, too late--and for the wrong people???

Excerpt from Real Time with Bill Maher (found on Noel Sheppard's right-wing site):

BILL MAHER, HOST: Listening to people like Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck these days, I cannot figure out whether these right-wingers are more dangerous when they're in power or when they're out of power. Because when they're out of power, their paranoia goes off the charts. This Glenn Beck guy, I wouldn't even give him the time of day except he's a big star now on Fox and a lot of people believe him, and he's talking about FEMA concentration camps. He says, "We are headed towards socialism, totalitarianism beyond your wildest imagination." But apparently not beyond his wildest imagination.

Let's do a hypocrisy test.

The Insane Clown (without a Posse) of TV political commentators, Glenn Beck has dropped an oxymoron into the middle of his Values list at his new 912 Project: moderation.

Just for fun, try saying these two words together:

Glenn Beck. Moderation.

Whaaaatttt??? Can anyone do this without giggling????

Let's replace some of these values with those he acts on. Hmmm...here are some juicy choices:

Fear
Paranoia
Hate
Disgust
Insanity
Ego (e.g., he puts his name in the web address of the 912 Project...his TV show...his website...open yer eyes!)

Freaking mother of God! Get me out of crazed socialist America, Glenn!!!! President chocolate Jesus is coming to get me--and he's got his ACLU card with him! (Have you actually seen one of those things??? Razor sharp, cuts to the heart of every issue--it's a weapon, for God's sake!)

Good God, Bill Maher and Jon Stewart are next in line!!!

Okay, I give up: I'm goin' to Oklahoma to buy me a gun. Maybe I'll steal the biggest SUV I kin ta git there...singin' "I'm an Okie from Muskogee..."